Christmas is always presented as the most magical time of the year in movies, marked by festive traditions, family gatherings, and happy couples. However, if this is your first Christmas amidst a separation, it can also be a time of immense stress, confusion and heartache. The pressure to create a ‘normal’ Christmas for your kids, the logistics of splitting time between homes, and the emotional weight the season carries can quickly feel overwhelming. However, with patience, clear communication, and a little creativity, you can navigate this period with care, keeping both yours and your children’s well-being at the forefront.
1. Involve Your Children, But Don’t Overload Them
It’s natural to want your children to feel involved in decisions about how they’ll spend the holiday season. Including them in the conversation can help them feel heard and respected. But it’s important not to place too much responsibility on their young shoulders.
Children look to their parents for stability and guidance. They may not fully understand the complexities of the situation, especially if emotions are running high and you are still in the midst of conflict. While they might express preferences about where they’d like to spend Christmas, it’s ultimately your role to make the final decisions in their best interests.
“I remember the pressure of being asked which parent I wanted to spend Christmas with,” says Kaia, a teenager who found herself caught in the middle of her parents’ divorce. “It felt like I was supposed to choose between them. I just wanted them to work it out, so I didn’t have to decide. It was confusing and painful.”
Being open and honest with your children about the situation, without burdening them with tough choices, can help ease their anxiety. Reassure them that they are loved and supported by both parents, no matter where they end up spending Christmas.
2. Be Honest, Even When It’s Difficult
The festive season can stir up emotions, and if you’re going through a separation or divorce, this can be an especially challenging time. While you may want to shield your children from the complexities of your relationship, it’s important not to keep them in the dark. Children are very perceptive and can often sense when something is wrong. Uncertainty and confusion can create anxiety.
“I remember, even at 11 years old, knowing something was terribly wrong between my parents,” recalls Daniel, now an adult. “They never explained the ongoing issues or the fighting. I had to figure it out for myself. I just wished they’d sat me down and explained what was going on. It would have at least given me the peace of mind that what was happening was out of my control.”
If there are arguments or tense moments at home, children will often internalise the situation and may feel responsible, even if they had no part in it. They might assume they’re the cause of the conflict or that they need to ‘fix’ things to make everyone happy. When that doesn’t work, they may begin to feel guilty or burdened by the pressure to make things better. In these moments, offering your child reassurance and clarity is vital.
While you may not be able to explain every detail of the situation, if your child is old enough to ask questions, they are old enough to hear an honest answer about how the new arrangements will affect them. By providing simple, clear explanations, you help your child feel more secure and allow them to process the changes without feeling like they’re being kept in the dark.
3. Avoid Speaking Negatively About the Other Parent
It can be tempting to voice your frustration, hurt, or anger about your ex-partner—especially during emotionally charged times like the holidays. However, it’s crucial to avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your children. Criticising your ex can place your child in an uncomfortable position, forcing them to choose sides or feel guilty for loving both parents.
“My mum would talk about my dad constantly—calling him a liar, a cheat, and much worse. I didn’t deny that he had his flaws, but for the longest time, I thought he was a monster,” says Holly, who later worked on rebuilding her relationship with her father. “I didn’t want anything to do with him. But after attending the Your Direction workshops, I realised I was holding onto resentment, not just towards him, but also myself. I had to rebuild my own self-worth and my relationship with my dad, which I had written off based on my mum’s perspective.”
Even if your emotions are raw, remember that your child’s relationship with their other parent is theirs to navigate. Try to speak about your ex in neutral terms when your child is around, if you need to at all. This will protect their relationship with both parents and allow them to form their own views, without the added pressure of feeling like they need to take sides.
4. Create New Traditions
‘After the divorce, I felt like all the old traditions had lost their meaning. Christmas was different without my mum there,’ says Luke, a participant on the Your Direction Workshops. ‘The things we’d always done- opening gifts at midnight, Christmas pyjamas, the family photo- it felt all wrong once my mum was out of the picture, and that hurt.’
Christmas will inevitably feel different after a separation, but that doesn’t mean it can’t still be a meaningful time. In fact, introducing new traditions can be a powerful way to embrace change and create positive memories that are free from past emotional baggage. These traditions won’t replace old ones, but they offer a chance to build new, joyful experiences that feel fresh and uplifting.
Involve your children in the process by asking what activities or outings they’d like to try this year. Perhaps you could start a Christmas Eve movie night, bake festive treats together, or volunteer as a family at a local shelter. The key is to find something that shifts the focus of the holiday towards connection, kindness, and fun.
New traditions help your children understand that, although things have changed, Christmas can still be a time of love, joy, and togetherness. By creating new memories, you’re not just making the season brighter; you’re also teaching your children that even in times of change, there is always room for hope and new beginnings.
5. Keep a Holiday Schedule
The festive period can be chaotic, especially if your children are splitting time between two homes and also wanting to spend time with their friends. With school breaks, family visits, and various holiday activities, it’s easy for the days to blend together in a blur of confusion and stress. A holiday schedule can help bring some order to the madness and give you more of a sense of control and ease.
Create a physical or digital calendar outlining the days leading up to and following Christmas. This will help everyone, especially your children, know what to expect. A clear plan also gives you the chance to allocate time for yourself, whether you’re co-parenting or managing things alone. Having a schedule can ensure that everyone’s needs are met, and it helps avoid any last-minute panic or confusion.
Be sure to carve out some downtime for yourself as well. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure you have moments for rest and self-care in between the holiday demands.
6. Put Your Children First
Finally, it’s important to remember what Christmas is truly about: love, togetherness, and putting your children first. It’s easy to get caught up in the pressure to make everything perfect, but it’s okay if things look different from previous years. What matters most is that you’re doing your best to make the holiday special for your children, even in the midst of change.
Take time to enjoy the things you can still do together- whether that’s decorating the tree, watching a favourite holiday film, or simply sharing a cosy meal. When your children aren’t there, don’t hibernate away, connect with family and friends to support you in the quieter moments. By focusing on what you can control and keeping an open and honest line of communication with the people you love, you offer your children the stability, empathy, and understanding they need to enjoy this holiday season.
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