At the RDS course we know that hearing how others have got through their divorce and recovery really helps. Here’s Kuda’s story:
There were many factors that contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, but the actual divorce and separation came about because my husband was unfaithful and was not willing to put in the hard work necessary to win my trust back. We both agreed that the best way forward was to go our separate ways.
I felt useless, hopeless and full of pain. There was definitely a period of marital deterioration before I found out about the affair, but nothing could have prepared me for the shock and the physical and mental pain that followed. I felt completely betrayed by this man that I loved with all my being. I felt like I had done everything I could have done to be a good wife. When the shock finally wore off and I began dealing with the logical aspect of recovery, the hardest part was taking responsibility for the mistakes I had made during my marriage. I felt completely justified in thinking I was the innocent party after the affair, but this was not the complete picture. I don’t believe that infidelity can ever be justified, but I was able to understand the course of events that led to the affair. This led to a certain peace and I felt able to trust my own judgement again.
I am an information and plan kind of girl! So I armed myself with information. I read every blog there is and a few books on divorce and infidelity. This fed my reasoning stage, but also helped me a lot in understanding that being this sad was ok and to understand some of the emotions I was feeling. I booked myself onto the RDS course. I felt that somehow if I just made it 3 months to the course, then everything would be fine and all my questions would be answered and my pain dealt with. This was a kind of crutch that helped me get through the first 3 months after the separation. I also saw a counsellor and talked to family and friends.
I started a bucket list and planned fun activities and hobbies. These steps helped to remind me that when we decided to go our separate ways, my ex-husband did not take the potential for joy in my life and that whatever happened from then on lay firmly in my hands.
Even though I was angry with God and laid most of the blame squarely at his feet, I also felt his presence the whole time and was constantly reminded of Psalms 139. It speaks of our intimate relationship with our Father in Heaven……..’You hem me in behind and before, and lay your hand upon me……. For I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well.’ I felt that I was surrounded by him and this kept me grounded. I was also reminded that I was not a mistake or a failure. I am ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’! I am a work of God, he made me and he will never leave me.
And……… I cried. A lot.
I just felt dark, bitter and incredibly sad at the time. I felt like I didn’t cope, but my friends and family tell me that I coped well. To be honest, it was all down to them. They were the ones who sat with me through endless and numerous sessions of talking. (Oh dear!)
The whole process reminded me of a few very important things that I had forgotten about myself. Namely, I am a strong, creative, loving, caring and intelligent woman. I had forgotten how much I love to and used to laugh. I also feel my confidence returning slowly. Now I feel excited and scared in equal measures about my future. But I know that whatever it holds, I am more than capable of surviving it and coming out at the end with new experiences that have enriched my life.
The biggest thing I got from the course was that I felt understood. Much as my family and friends were there for me, I always felt like I was always unleashing the crazy on them. Enter RDS course, and every Monday night for 7 weeks, I didn’t just have nods of agreement, I had understanding. I also met some amazing people, who inspired me and gave me hope for the future when I would have clung onto the bitterness and let it take my joy away. The course was not the fix-it-all that I had hoped it would be, but it certainly made a huge contribution to my recovery. Thanks again RDSers!