How do you know if you should remarry after divorce? – A Christian Perspective



Our anonymous author is a Christian continuing their journey through the thorny issues of friendship, dating and remarriage after a divorce. In this blog, they explore the idea of remarriage from a Christian perspective, although much of what they write is relevant for a wider audience.

Immediately after divorce the idea of remarriage is abhorrent

For many of us in the run up to and the immediate aftermath of a divorce the very idea of finding someone else to “replace” the one we have lost feels abhorrent. Indeed, many declare “I am just not interested in finding another partner and will stay alone for the rest of my life.”

Some may have friends who helpfully suggest “there are plenty more fish in the sea” and encourage you to rush into dating and remarriage. Others might helpfully warn you of worrisome statistics about the high rates of divorce seen in second marriages and you may feel a little bit tossed back and forwards on the subject. And no matter how long you wait to start dating again, some of those close to you will probably say it feels too soon to them.

The emotional turmoil of the immediate aftermath of a separation and divorce may feel like the worst time to be considering your future. Or you may have an unbearable longing not to be alone and feel driven to find a new love as fast as possible. It turns out people feel very differently about this subject. Perhaps there is no single right answer, and you need to be guided by your own feelings, whilst recognising that they can be a bit deceptive at times.

Preparing for new relationships is key

There is definite wisdom in waiting a while before starting a new relationship. But more importantly in doing the hard work of recovery and personal growth in preparation. Getting to really understand yourself, your values and learning about relationship skills before starting a new relationship will create the best foundation for any future marriage. Understanding old relationship patterns that didn’t work and learning new skills will avoid more hurt to yourself and others.

Is there a good time to remarry?

How will you know when it is the right time for you to even consider dating again let alone the possibility of finding a life partner?

Divorce is a decoupling process. For sure you need to feel emotionally unbonded from your ex before looking for another partner. For some this happens early on during separation, for others it might not happen for a long time after the divorce is complete. Some continue to hold onto hope of possible reconciliation for years after a divorce.

For me personally the process of emotional distancing happened rapidly. It is true that our marriage had been dying for some years and some horrific events made it clear that my partner had no desire to be with me anymore. Cutting off all communication also helped that feeling of togetherness fade rapidly.

I am a Christian so perhaps the most telling moment for me happened when a friend quoted a Bible verse (1 Corinthians 7) to me and said that I was free to remarry if my partner had initiated the divorce and deserted me. Somehow in that moment, even though we were not yet divorced in the eyes of the law, I felt free before God. And in that instant, I began to dream of a future with someone else.

Of course, the whole process of finding another partner would not prove to be anything like as easy as I hoped it would be. But along the journey I have been blessed with the invaluable help of some new friends to replace the ones I lost during my divorce. Taking time to really consider if you are ready for a new relationship is a wise choice for anyone. Friendships can offer a space for healing as well as a lot of fun and fulfilment so don’t be too eager to skip over this in favour of your next romantic relationship.

Remarriage is controversial

The idea of remarriage raises some moral questions and may reveal viewpoints we weren’t really conscious of when we were married. If you have made a lifelong commitment to one person and it hasn’t worked out, is it ok to try again with someone new? Society generally thinks poorly of anyone who is married multiple times. There is an assumption of poor judgement, a lack of integrity or a failure to take marriage seriously as a lifelong commitment.

Remarriage is a somewhat controversial subject, perhaps even more so amongst Christians. Some Christians continue to believe that marriage is a lifelong covenant that cannot be broken by man or woman. As such they feel that any remarriage is a form of adultery. Others would be on the other end of that spectrum and feel that a God of love would celebrate all examples of committed love one to another. Others would argue that there are only certain situations where it is OK for a Christian to remarry after a divorce.

But the title of this blog is not really asking whether morally you can remarry after divorce, it is allowed. After all, with so many denominations and churches with different views, and the option of a secular registry marriage, if you want to get remarried this will not be impossible. The real question is should you remarry – is it advisable for you as an individual?

What Next

Joining one of our courses will give you an opportunity to meet with others in a similar situation to you. You will probably find in your small group people with a variety of perspectives about whether dating and ultimately remarriage feels right for them. This is just one of many subjects you will be able to talk about. Visit ‘Find a course‘ for more details.

Other blogs you may like

Why do friends disappear after divorce?

Are you ready to start dating again?

Dating disasters of the recently divorced