Please note: This guidance is intended for parents who can engage safely and respectfully. Where there has been abuse, coercion, or fear, seek specialist advice to ensure that you and your children are protected.

Create Ground Rules for Respectful Co-Parenting

Separation ends a romantic relationship; it does not end a parenting partnership. One of the most protective things you can do for your children is to establish shared expectations about how you will behave as co-parents – effectively the ground rules for respectful co-parenting.

Consider agreeing to:

• Speak and behave respectfully about each other in front of the children. (No eye rolls, passive aggressive behaviour or loud sighs).
• Keep adult disagreements out of earshot.
• Share important information about school, health, and wellbeing.
• Make key decisions with a focus on the children’s needs, not past grievances.
• That you will assume that you are both operating from a place of good intention 

You are not trying to be friends. You are building a functional parenting alliance. There are lots of useful templates for parenting plans you can use as a foundation and a useful tool in these discussions. 

Separate the Parenting Relationship From the Romantic One

It can help to consciously “redefine” the relationship. Someone may have been a difficult partner, but still be a loving and capable parent. Children benefit when they are allowed to maintain meaningful relationships with both parents without feeling they must take sides.

Even if the end of your relationship has been incredibly painful, take time to work on your own emotional wellbeing. Accept your new circumstances and consider forgiveness – not because your partner deserves it (they might not) but because your children will suffer if you continue to try to punish your ex.

This mental shift – from former couple to parenting team – can reduce conflict and keep conversations practical and child-focused.

Allow for Difference Without Seeing It as Damage

Your co-parent will probably do things differently: different routines, foods, rules, or ways of communicating. Unless a child’s wellbeing is at risk, difference is not harm. Learning that two homes can operate in two ways is something most children adapt to remarkably well.

Trying to control the other household often fuels tension and conflict that is harmful for your children.

Avoid An Overly Legalistic Rigid Arrangements

Children change and develop quickly but legal processes for child arrangements can take a long time. Try to be flexible with arrangements so that the child’s needs and feelings come first. This may mean you have to sacrifice some of the time or events you hoped to share with them. It might mean being disappointed sometimes or having to make yourself feel a bit uncomfortable. Try to approach arrangements with grace and flexibility rather than a rigid mindset of  “this is my time with the children”. Recognise if circumstances have meant your ex has missed out and try to flex to restore balance rather than thinking you “got one over” on them.

Find Ways To Communicate That Work For Your Family

Communication is key. Find the most effective ways to communicate with your ex so the children’s needs are met. This could include using a family app, family calendars, messaging, emails etc as well as phone calls or meeting up to discuss your children. 

Parenting with an ex takes work but working together will make a huge difference to how much your separation affects your children.