Whether or not you celebrate Christmas, the holiday season can be tough for anyone with divorced parents. For years, just hearing the word Christmas would bring up a lot of anxiety for me. What was once a time of family, and joy had turned into one synonymous of brokenness and dysfunction. I remember writing in my annual letter to Santa the year my dad left: “No presents. Just bring Mum and Dad back.” That wasn’t the gift I got, but it did teach me something important: you can still find hope and joy in a new normal. If you’re struggling with this holiday season, here are some things I’ve learnt that might help.
1. You Don’t Need to Pretend You’re Okay
For a long time, I felt like I had to pretend everything was fine. I’d go through the motions at family dinners, with friends, even at school I was acting like the separation didn’t bother me. But the truth was, it did. I was holding on to so much bitterness, confusion and resentment, and eventually, it all came spilling out. I’d have breakdowns, sometimes in private, sometimes in front of my siblings. The shame of my parents’ divorce was like a shadow, following me everywhere, but no one else could see it.
What’s important to remember is that you don’t have to pretend to be okay. It’s okay to admit that you’re struggling, especially during the holidays. You don’t need to put on a mask. Christmas can stir up a lot of emotions, but the more you ignore them, the harder it gets. If you need to say, “I’m not okay right now,” or “I’m feeling a bit down today,” it’s okay to do that. You’re allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.
2. Create New Traditions
After the divorce, I felt like all the old traditions had lost their meaning. Christmas was different without my dad there. The things we’d always done- opening gifts at midnight, Christmas pyjamas, the family photo- it felt all wrong once my dad was out of the picture, and that hurt.
It might be tempting to throw out every tradition and just skip Christmas altogether, but I found that wasn’t the answer either. Instead, try creating new traditions- things that are just for now, things that can be a fresh start and ones that you don’t associate with pain. For example, instead of the usual Christmas dinner, we started volunteering at a local shelter, which became a way of giving back and feeling good about the holiday again. We also started a new tradition of cooking dishes we hadn’t tried before, just to mix things up. New traditions don’t replace the old ones, but they help create new memories, ones that don’t have the same weight of sadness attached to them.
3. Write Letters to Your Loved Ones
It may sound a little odd, especially if you’re not one to write much, but I found writing letters to my parents helped me so much. When everything felt confusing and hard to talk about, writing gave me a way to express my feelings. I’d write letters to both my parents, telling them what I was struggling with, what I missed, what I wished could be different. I even wrote down what I hoped for – what I wanted my family to look like if I could wave a magic wand to fix it all. What was surprising was that I never wished for my parents to get back together. By that point, I knew they weren’t meant for each other. What I really wanted was for our individual relationships to heal so I could have peace with both of them.
You don’t even ever have to send these letters or share them. Sometimes it’s just for you, to get all those complex feelings out of your head and onto paper. And writing can help you figure out what you really want to say to your parents, if you ever decide to talk about it.
4. Set Clear Boundaries
This is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, and it’s especially important during the holidays. You’re dealing with a lot of emotions, and sometimes people will ask you questions about your parents or your new family situation that can feel really uncomfortable or even invasive. I remember one Christmas when my uncle asked me, “Where’s your dad?” and I felt like I was going to be sick. That simple question made everything feel too real and too raw. I didn’t want to answer, but I also didn’t know how to avoid it.
That’s when I learned how important it is to set boundaries. It’s okay to say, “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now,” or “I’d rather not get into it.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and you don’t have to answer questions that make you feel bad. It’s your life, and you have every right to protect your emotions. Saying no, even to family, can be hard at first, but it gets easier with time. It’s about taking care of yourself.
5. Reject Your Feelings of Guilt
Feeling guilty is probably one of the hardest emotions to deal with when you’re navigating the holidays with divorced parents. Maybe you’re splitting your time between two homes, or maybe you’re not seeing one parent at all. Either way, it’s easy to feel like you’re letting someone down or that you’re not doing enough.
But here’s the truth: You are not to blame for any of this. The divorce isn’t your fault, and you don’t control how your parents feel or how they spend their time. It’s normal to feel torn or even guilty, but don’t let that guilt weigh you down. You can’t make everyone happy, and you’re not responsible for fixing things between your parents. Give yourself grace. This is your first time navigating all of this, and you’re doing the best you can.
6. Focus on Your Wellbeing and Health
It’s so easy to get caught up in the emotional chaos of family dynamics after a divorce that you forget to take care of yourself. The holidays are a time when everything feels like it’s moving fast, everyone’s expectations, all the changes and you can easily lose track of your own needs.
Even if it’s just for a few minutes a day, take time to do something that makes you feel good. Whether it’s going for a walk, working out, painting, or binge-watching your favourite show, give yourself permission to do what makes you happy. Take care of your body, your mind, and your spirit. Sometimes, the best gift you can give yourself is some quiet time, to just be. You deserve it.
There is Hope
Christmas with divorced parents is never going to be easy, and it may never fully feel the way it once did. But over time, I learned that you can still find ways to create meaning, peace, and joy. It’s okay to let go of the old, to make space for something new. You can’t control everything, but you can take steps to make it through the holidays in a way that honours your feelings and your growth.
Whatever this Christmas looks like for you, remember that it’s okay to feel however you feel. You don’t have to go through it alone, and you don’t have to have it all figured out. Be kind to yourself, and take things one day at a time.
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